It’s so damn quiet but I have a flicker of WiFi connection…

Oh no, I’m consumed by anxiety and fear and yet apparently I wanted this. We’ve landed the enormous unwieldy ship of our lives, box after box full of who knows what. And it feels as though we have come aground on a rocky crag. Perched up a dark track on the edge of a hill with nature everywhere. 

I love nature but now wonder if I love pavements and humans more?

Laurie has hated every step and spends each night saying with eyes brimming with extra large tears ‘I just want to go home - no really Mummy plleeeeaaase can we go home.’ Back to Oxford he means. Where he is known, understood. Where there is a flow of life and the river to wash away your tears.

Oh my god. What to do? My spirit seems to have been  sapped by the waiting, negotiating, persuading. Now the boxes litter my path and I have no desire to find out what lurks inside. In fact today I realise I feel lonely, the most uncomfortable of emotions. But I can’t, I have a ship to steer and its full of precious cargo. I have to find new life and a new way of being. 

Last night I stood outside and thought about my new neighbours. A little owl, a lot of tawny owls the bark of deer. They are there hiding in the undergrowth but don’t join me for coffee.

The house is cold. At 4 am I flick through my phone looking for guide-ropes. Buy a radio? One ray of hope…Laurie will have BT broadband next week so his friends will become a virtual reality. 

Dominik flicked in this morning, while I mouldered in bed unable to face the day, announcing ‘Laurie no longer joins in with our family thanks to you letting him be online.’

That’s part of this craggy rock it seems. Do you find the adventurer, hard knuckled spirit within and weave a willow cabin of endurance and self creation or turn on the electric heater, make a mug of tea, eat a chocolate biscuit and dive headlong into the abyss of online virtual comfort?

I know what I want to do…

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