A different sort of journey - into school refusal and the joys of the great indoors

Making the best of things

The only one that wants to be outside!

Moving to the country has turned out to be a journey of a very different nature - a very very different and unexpected nature. My vision of space, creativity, freedom – greater happiness - has nosedived, a sort of spiralling nosedive.  And I’m left wondering how to pull it out of a vertical drop?

Instead of new happy heights I’m facing school refusal, displacement, loneliness, boredom, the draw of screens, anxiety issues and then unexpected rankles like ADD burnout.  Some of that is me and much is also the children who in moments of reflection, usually just before sleep say – I really miss Oxford and England.  Willow said ‘Mummy where has the glory gone.?’  Oh my word, how did this come to pass.

I try to hide from the noise of the garden and unchartered hope of the meadow.  The woodland slice on its tumbling bank is naturally overgrown and doesn’t shout at me in the same way, so I do take Queenie on a walk there now and then when I have a spark of strength.  The rest of the green spaces are heavy with unmet expectations and my mind is so full of panic, exhaustion and conflicting demands that I avoid them and retreat to the safer ‘indoors’.

The sea of boxes in the garage is still there gathering mildew a year later.  I don’t know where to put all the stuff and have absolutely no will to sort them. Instead I divert my gaze.

As my Mum likes to say ‘Be careful what you wish for.’  The sort of Aladdin and the lamp idea that wishes can easily throw up more questions than they answer.  Well I feel as though I inadvertently have made us all sit on a damp hill to look at all we have lost and all we lack. 

Apart from Dominik that is, who quietly and doggedly deals with the outdoors using sharp tools.  He cuts things back, puts logs in beautiful piles and fills shed with the trappings of a tinker’s dream – chains, an old iron pig feeder, reclaimed planks, finials from a ship, pieces of tarpaulin and carpet.  It’s a recreation of Africa for him but with greater access to running water, shops and skips.

Of the hurdles or pits I face (I’m not sure if I need to climb or jump them), the greatest are school refusal, screens and Attention Deficit Disorder.  Laurie found his new school a place of immense demands and a gathering knot of failure.  As I got more frantic about the missing piece of uniform, undone homework, he was lost and over looked.  Then he discovered that hiding in bed enabled him to stop some of the pain. 

Pain came in many forms. Feeling his parents didn’t have the right car or wipe clean approach (eg to their house or even selves), a bully calling him names and encouraging others to laugh at him and the work spiralling out of control, with books in one place, homework in another and his head getting slowly mangled inbetween. 

But if you haven’t experienced your child refusing to go to school you cannot begin to imagine what it is like.  You can use all the words in the world about …school not being a choice, others having to face it, then eventually using threats, taking away privileges and finally in sheer desperation suggesting you the parent might go to prison. So actually, traumatising them in new ways and feeling as though you have utterly totally failed.  Dropped the ball, clunk. Failed him, failed the system, failed in every way - where all other parents seem to happily succeed.

So in the darkest months everything became darker.  Hiding under the covers without any wish to come out. In this state of hibernation or partial burial I realised…finally that my son is NOT happy.  I have enforced a system on him that is making him ill - physically and mentally.  I need to step up and find a better solution and quickly.  Enter…school removal.  A pause.  Time to reflect, and hopefully reboot, repair.

This felt like suddenly throwing the curtains open and letting the sun in. 

I then discovered something quite remarkable – a world of people who have had to make up the rules for themselves and in the process embrace acceptance, kindness, forgiveness and all the most elevating human characteristics.

For many reasons children can find school a threatening place to be and the idea that Head Teachers often embrace that it is always the best place for a child is pure codswallop. The size, culture, setting, dynamics, demands can be terrifying for children for a host of reasons and school refusal is far more common and more misunderstood than it should be. And did you know that school is in fact not compulsory? Education is but you can choose to embrace it as you wish. 

But of course the reality is that parents need their child in school so they can work - and being able to make up new rules is a huge privilege.  It’s funny that parents were startled by the idea that I would home educate.  As we learnt in lockdown it’s almost impossible to teach your children at home. But I have been on a fascinating journey of discovery. 

The world of home education is as varied as the individuals who embrace it.  I have now met some mothers that in my view should be presented with the gold-plated Oscar of parenting.  They have allowed their children to develop a love of learning and now place healthy structure and a rich curriculum at their feet.  They also seek out groups and activities to ensure they are fully enriched.  I have been mesmerised by these people and the confident happy children they are nurturing.  The truth is I didn’t have the patience or capacity to wholly embrace the world of home schooling.  I have opted for flexi schooling with a fabulous new Montessori school 3 days a week and my version of home education in between.

Just as I was reeling from the need to step up as a mother. Then I also had an extraordinary realisation. I was stuck, paralysed by my life.  Also desperately wanting to hide under the covers just like Laurie. 

But that can wait for another entry. Aren’t blogs meant to be short n pithy?